Where am I? I have no loss of memory, and yet somehow it’s hard to pinpoint just where I went wrong. Death by a thousand cuts. I can think of a handful of innocuous moments when I did what I wanted instead of what I knew in my heart I needed. My soul suffered for it. And now here I am, alone on this stupid beach, nowhere in particular I need or want to be.
It’s not so bad I guess: The sun warms the sand and the waves crash onto the land, white noise to think to. It’s almost like freedom if there ever was such a thing, and I’m skinnier now than ever before, so that’s a plus.
I could do without the incessant wind. The sea breeze is refreshing at first but you grow tired of it, just as you grow tired of unrelenting sunshine. Nobody ever mentions this part: it’s so utterly boring, being free. Nothing to work towards, no one to fight with, no soul-crushing disappointments… ya know, the good stuff, the messy details that color your world. The little things are everything. There is no escaping that paradox, even here on the beach.
All is not lost though, ’cause we humans are built for new beginnings. Hope feeds the fickle soul. Maybe one day I’ll get off this beach and build a new life. It could happen. I could get up, dare to desire, grind it out until things go my way. Yeah, one day. But right now I guess I’m content waking up on the beach.
Photos by Cynthia Ottuso
Wearing: Z&L Beach Cover-up (similar) | Heavenly Couture Hat (similar) | Erge Camel Boots (similar)
